It’s 2 in the morning. You’re drunk. You pick up your phone. Something goes through your mind that you just have to text an ex-partner and talk to them. The next morning, as the hangover sets in, you pick your phone up to assess the damage. It can be of varying degrees. Regardless, it was dumb and you know it. You can erase the text string but that doesn’t mean that it never happened.
It seems like we always had that one ex-girlfriend we texted when we were drunk, regardless if we were in a relationship at the time or not. Truth be told, I was just as addicted to her as I was the beer. But the beer amplified that effect. We had a tumultuous relationship, plenty of highs and lows. And her memory stuck with me for years. I’m writing about her right now for that matter.
As I’ve mentioned before, we alcoholics and addicts are masters of deception. We have spent years lying to ourselves and everyone around us, trying to hide the fact that we had a problem that we weren’t willing to face. As I get sober and begin soul-searching and examining, I have to admit to myself that I have cheated on partners. Not physically. I never slept with someone while I was dating another person. I credit myself with that. But I have drunk texted and said lewd and obscene statements to women that I had no business saying. And of course, I got caught by contemporaneous girlfriend and tried to cover my tracks, blaming the other party for instigating the text conversation.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had I been sober, I wouldn’t have done so. Alcoholic brain convinced me that I could get away with it. Which I didn’t. Liars always get caught because of the string of lies that can be traced back to us.
One of the 12 steps is all about making apologies. As my journey continues, I discover more people that I feel like I need to apologize to. This particular ex-girlfriend got the phone call a couple days ago from me. I kept it fairly short and succinct but I knew it had to be done. Much like alcohol, this is finality, a closing of a door that I had purposefully left open.
I am incredibly lucky. I am with the woman of my dreams. Beer clouded that fact on and off for a large portion of our relationship. For some reason, she kept giving me chances. I think she saw the good, the potential in me that I had blinded myself to. Had it not been for her ultimatum concerning my drinking, I may not be where I am today, 129 days sober and knowing that there is no turning back. She has been away for nearly two weeks and the distance is becoming painful. I love her a little more and more every day.